[ haha! he smiles a little at the first part, just faintly, but it fades off of his face, and briefly, he is treated to the image of a baby with blue eyes. ]
[freezing for a second after catching a glimpse of that hecking baby, and then immediately glancing at taair's back, remembering the fucking burns. then there's a little flicker of a thought. an image of a white man held down with a dagger at his throat, the crackling of fire surrounding him while he asks, don't you want to know which one tried to burn you alive as a baby? which one killed your mother?
and then it's gone. mizu lets out a breath.]
... I don't know what you experienced, exactly. [on account of being a baby, apparently!!] But I can make a guess. And for that I am sorry, Taair.
weh. this makes him look at mizu with wide, surprised eyes, his head snapping up even if it hurts. ]
You -- no, I'm sorry, how -- how unimaginably awful people were to you, you were a child, and -
[ there's a beat. the thought register, and his fingers curl hard in the blankets in his lap, eyes cast down. over his head, his thoughts swirl to water, a frigid ocean. the guilt is immeasurable, the awful horror of every dead face, of the contract itself, of the blood that life put upon his hands. of the child they tried so hard to keep alive, of the cruelty of that maid looking at a baby, an infant (and an infant who has grown into one of taair's favorite people besides, and how devastating it felt to understand what the contract was. ]
...we tried to save you. [ very, very quietly, almost hoarse. And we failed. ] I'm so sorry.
You don't have to be sorry. [I am. That they used something that happened to me, and...] And I'm... grateful. That you tried to save me. Even if it was all a fake world.
[a pause, hesitating. before very carefully reaching down to put a hand over his, where he's gripping onto the blankets.]
But that's all it was. A well crafted fake, created by the entity to hurt you. Do you understand? [squeezes his hand, just slightly.] In the real world, I survived that experience and now I stand before you, a grown man. You don't have to flagellate yourself over something that happened before I was even old enough to remember it.
[never mind that people are still fucking awful, but at least mizu can bite back now.]
[ this helps. mizu's intensity is grounding normally, but here - the gentle squeeze, the raw honesty in his words - both keep him on this planet of existence, and he inhales, taking a slow, shaky breath and nodding. that's right. that's right, he survived.
there's a beat, and slowly, he loosens his grip on the covers. ]
... It is not your fault. [ is the first thing he says, quietly. followed by - ] Thank you.
[ for the steadying presence, as always, for the grounding moment of reality, for his kindness. for everything, really. deep breath in, deep breath out. a fake experience, based in reality, a fake experience that mizu, that richie and taair (and somewhere, adolphe and hawke) managed to survive. ]
No wonder you have garnered such fortitude. [ he said it a couple weeks ago - you just have to not let people get the satisfaction of seeing you react. no wonder he's able to be stoic like that. ] Even if the source comes from such cruelty.
[ ... ]
I wielded a sword against a very large monster. [ a beat. ] I think for that part, you may have been proud.
... I know it isn't. [though it's difficult not to apologize, given the circumstances.] I only regret that the entity was able to use my experiences against you.
[it's the entity's fault. mizu knows this. obviously. but it still feels like accidentally leaving a door open and allowing someone else to make a mess of things.
but he's right about why mizu learned to be... well. mizu. and he also gets something approximating a smile, when the fact he wielded a sword comes up.]
I would have. You did well to make it back to us. Be proud of that, in spite of anything else that may have happened.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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...Yours.
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and then it's gone. mizu lets out a breath.]
... I don't know what you experienced, exactly. [on account of being a baby, apparently!!] But I can make a guess. And for that I am sorry, Taair.
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weh. this makes him look at mizu with wide, surprised eyes, his head snapping up even if it hurts. ]
You -- no, I'm sorry, how -- how unimaginably awful people were to you, you were a child, and -
[ there's a beat. the thought register, and his fingers curl hard in the blankets in his lap, eyes cast down. over his head, his thoughts swirl to water, a frigid ocean. the guilt is immeasurable, the awful horror of every dead face, of the contract itself, of the blood that life put upon his hands. of the child they tried so hard to keep alive, of the cruelty of that maid looking at a baby, an infant (and an infant who has grown into one of taair's favorite people besides, and how devastating it felt to understand what the contract was. ]
...we tried to save you. [ very, very quietly, almost hoarse. And we failed. ] I'm so sorry.
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[a pause, hesitating. before very carefully reaching down to put a hand over his, where he's gripping onto the blankets.]
But that's all it was. A well crafted fake, created by the entity to hurt you. Do you understand? [squeezes his hand, just slightly.] In the real world, I survived that experience and now I stand before you, a grown man. You don't have to flagellate yourself over something that happened before I was even old enough to remember it.
[never mind that people are still fucking awful, but at least mizu can bite back now.]
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there's a beat, and slowly, he loosens his grip on the covers. ]
... It is not your fault. [ is the first thing he says, quietly. followed by - ] Thank you.
[ for the steadying presence, as always, for the grounding moment of reality, for his kindness. for everything, really. deep breath in, deep breath out. a fake experience, based in reality, a fake experience that mizu, that richie and taair (and somewhere, adolphe and hawke) managed to survive. ]
No wonder you have garnered such fortitude. [ he said it a couple weeks ago - you just have to not let people get the satisfaction of seeing you react. no wonder he's able to be stoic like that. ] Even if the source comes from such cruelty.
[ ... ]
I wielded a sword against a very large monster. [ a beat. ] I think for that part, you may have been proud.
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[it's the entity's fault. mizu knows this. obviously. but it still feels like accidentally leaving a door open and allowing someone else to make a mess of things.
but he's right about why mizu learned to be... well. mizu. and he also gets something approximating a smile, when the fact he wielded a sword comes up.]
I would have. You did well to make it back to us. Be proud of that, in spite of anything else that may have happened.